When children are 2, they get angry and they lay on the floor and kick and scream. While we dont particularly like these tantrums, as parents we all share stories of the tantrums our children throw.

As adults we too get angry. Some of us go take a walk. Some of us find journaling helpful. Some of us yell at the person closest to us, later feeling badly and needing to apologize. Some of us engage in activities that are self harming such as over eating, drinking and worse.

Teens get angry too. Ive had moms actually say to me, I cant believe he/she is so angry over that. That of course refers to something that mom does not believe the teen should be angry about. I dont know about you, but Ive seen adults throw temper tantrums in what I think are the oddest of places. Ive seen adults scream at retail employees. Ive seen adults literally throw food in a restaurant. Ive read about adults shooting guns at someone on a freeway. For me, these are not things that would push my buttons, but the reality is, we all get angry over different things. We all have different buttons that get pushed by various activities and we all have a different perspective on whats just happened.

Teens are no different. Ive seen my own kids get angry over unfairness in a classroom, over a friend saying or doing something they didnt like, and yes, they even get angry at me and the decisions I make. Anger is ok. Its how we handle the anger that makes us who we are, and as parents, we do have the right to tell our kids that certain behaviors when angry are not ok.

For example, it is not ok to slam doors, ever. I dont care how angry you are, do not slam a door in my house. It is also never ok to hit another person. It does not matter how angry you are at that other person, you may never hit them. If you are feeling angry, take a walk, go swimming, hit a baseball, throw a basketball, kick a soccer ball. Work out the anger in a way that is not hurtful to another person or to yourself.

Both of my kids refuse to talk to me when they are angry. This is ok. I know that when they calm down and when the anger passes, they will come and tell me what had them so upset. Sometimes that might be the next day, or sometimes it might be the next week. Its only when the anger is gone that you begin to see choices to solve whatever it is that brought on the anger in the first place. Anger can help lead you to decisions. Anger can help lead you to change.

Teenagers need to be allowed to feel anger. It helps them grow. It helps them learn how to have control. Its hard to not yell or slam or a door. Having that control leads to increased self confidence in their own abilities. Being allowed to feel anger also helps teens learn to problem solve. This is something they will use forever. Its a wonderful skill to learn.

Next time your teen is angry, smile and make a few suggestions on how to get rid of some of the steam, but do let them know that its quite ok to feel that way.