MYTH: All teens have to rebel, and the teen years will be miserable years for a family. REALITY: Teens do have to separate from their parents and families. That's good -- otherwise kids would be living at home when they are 35. They do, however, have to earn the privilege of being in charge. MYTH: Once teens rebel, you have lost them forever. REALITY: This is the fear of every parent, but it doesn't happen in most cases. As the proverb says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old, he will not depart from it." This notion is elaborated on in Miller Newton's book "Adolescence: Surviving the Perilous Journey." His view is that all adolescents withdraw, and some will go so far as to isolate themselves. They will, however, reemerge at some point. Part of the parents' job then is to maintain the connection so a relationship can continue when they reemerge. MYTH: Raising teens is easy if you do it right. REALITY: If you listen to some so-called parenting experts, raising kids -- even teens -- is a walk in the park. According to them, the only reason you are having difficulty is because you are doing it wrong (not like them, in other words). The reality is that parenting is a labor-intensive task. To raise kids and teach moral character, you have to go against the prevailing culture. MYTH: Your teen years were just like those of your teenager. REALITY: Many of the character issues they are dealing with are very much like the ones you faced. But the world, atmosphere and culture in which they are dealing with these issues is incredibly different. Don't make the mistake of thinking it's all the same. MYTH: If you have not parented as well as you would have liked up until now, it's too late to try anything different. REALITY: This is one of those seductive little lies that sounds so close to the truth. But it's not. Even if you gave up being in charge of your kids long ago, it's still not too late to parent in a different way. They won't like it at first, but you don't need their permission, and you never did. You can, over time, get their cooperation. MYTH: Parents must be in control at all times. REALITY: Well, yes and no. As we put teenagers in charge of more and more areas, we are giving them enough rope, not to hang themselves, but to grow. If they demonstrate they can be in charge in a certain area, they can have that one. |
