Is there a conversation you've been putting off? Is there a coworker or family member with whom you need to talk - but don't? Maybe you've tried and it didn't turn out as you had hoped. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make things worse. Whatever the reason, you feel stuck and you'd like to free up that energy for more useful purposes.

One of the most common reasons I hear in my workshops for not holding difficult conversations, is that people don't know how to begin. Here are a few conversation openers I've picked up over the years - and used many times.

" I'd like to discuss something with you that I think will help us work together better.
" I think we may have different ideas about _____________. When you have some time, I'd like to talk about it.
" I'd like to hear your thoughts on ____________. Do you have a minute?
" I need your help with what just happened (or - I need your help with __________). Can we talk?
" I'd like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your thoughts on this.

All of these openers help to create an environment of respect and mutual purpose. You can say almost anything as long as you maintain these two critical conditions.

Practice, Practice, Practice
The art of conversation is like any art - with continued practice you acquire skill and ease. You, too, can create better working and family relationships, ease communication problems, and improve the quality of your environment. Here are 3 tips to get you started.

1) A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say.
2) Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments.
3) Practice the conversation before holding the real one, either mentally or with a friend. Try out different scenarios and visualize yourself handling each with ease. Envision the outcome you're hoping for.

Good luck, and remember that if you can find a mutual purpose for holding the conversation, and if you extend and maintain respect, you will be fine. Let me know how it goes!

Judy Ringer

Judy Ringer is Founder of Power & Presence Training, a Portsmouth, NH company specializing in unique workshops to help organizations manage conflict, communicate effectively, and co-create a positive work environment.

The author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, Ringer provides training throughout the U.S. and Canada with unique workshops based on mind/body principles from the martial art aikido, in which she holds a black belt. In addition, she uses her expertise in several best practice communication models to bring to life key concepts such as self-management under pressure and appreciation of other viewpoints. Her programs are interactive, experiential and energetic.

Clients include Maine Medical Center, The National Institutes of Health, BAE Systems, Sony Corporation, Honda of America Manufacturing, Bose Corporation, Maine General Health, The American Red Cross, The National Education Association, and the States of New Hampshire and Vermont.

She has written numerous articles on the relevance and application of the aikido metaphor to conflict and communication, including articles for Aikido Today Magazine and The Systems Thinker. She is the author of two newsletters, including the award-winning Ki Moments, and the book, Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict.

Ringer is also chief instructor of Portsmouth Aikido, Portsmouth, NH. She can be reached at judy@judyringer.com.